So this is the deal. My best friend Kev down the Hall has a weird ass roommate and we came up with a seriously plausible theory on him. Week after week, we get more and more evidence pointing us in the direction of a secret theory. Thomas Kozlowski is a Russian Spy.
So the only thing I know about Kev’s roommate halfway into first semester is that he has a girlfriend he’s obsessed with. I figure I gotta meet this kid, straighten him out. So I go into Kev’s room and ESPN is on. I see this kid’s got posters of the Rangers. Figured he was a New Yorker. ESPN announces Derek Jeter is looking to pursue a trade out of the Big Apple. So I says to Thomas, “It’d suck if Jeter left, huh?” The gangly bastard snapped back at me “I personally don’t care, baseball’s a pussy sport.” Seeing as baseball is my sport, I wasn’t about to let that comment get away. I says to him, “just cause it’s non-contact don’t make it a pussy sport.” He tells me he’s “entitled to his own opinion.” Faggot.
So the kid adds me on Facebook later that week, what’s it to me. Next thing I know I look at my newsfeed and he’s lyrically slobbering all over his girlfriends feet. “I love you Kelly =) !!!!!!! <333” Unnecessary my friend. No straight man should ever include that vast array of gay sentence accessories, nevermind all in a row. Grow a pair ya faggot.
About to sleep after a night of Ty’s crazy ass bud and aderol. Fucking construction outside my window at 5:52…if only I had a rifle.